tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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