Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
