Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
