if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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