Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
