i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
