My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
sex in a hospital.. check
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
