The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
