The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
