can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
