I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
