I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
