dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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