my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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