the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
