"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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