Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
