I wish i was in the wii world.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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