totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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