If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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