Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
