i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
