It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
