Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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