You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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