Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
