I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
