how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
