hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
People in love make me want to vomit
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
