someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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