I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Is Oprah even human
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
