I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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