I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Randomize
