This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
