Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
