Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
