I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It was a blind-side dick pic.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
