you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
