fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
