Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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