Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He passed out mid-signature
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
