Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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