i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
