I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
