I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The beer is more important than you right now.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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