1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
