My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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