I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize