i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
