i think my mom watched the whole time
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
