You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
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