If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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