I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
