stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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