This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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