Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
